It has been a challenging time in my life. I’ve sat down to write multiple times, but my circumstance and the pain I’m feeling has just been too hard to put into words…I think I am ready now.
I’ve faced heartbreak, confusion, anger, disappointment, devastation, and joy in a whirlwind of a time frame. I’ve watched the life I dreamed of and the future I had planned crumble right before my eyes. I watched the man I loved and vowed my life to walk out the door and hug me for the last time. Days later I watched the beautiful and prayed for double lines shine on my pregnancy test. One of the most joyous moments of my life….I was going to be a mommy.
Just take a moment to let that sink in, my husband is gone and I just found out this sweet life is growing inside of me (that we tried to conceive)….talk about a rollercoaster of emotions. This was not my plan, it wasn’t supposed to be this way, and I needed to fix it.
No matter what I tried to do, I couldn’t fix it. I prayed, but my situation didn’t change. I cried, but my situation didn’t change. I praised God through the storm for my blessings, but my situation didn’t change. I reach out to wise friends and prayer warriors, but my situation didn’t change. I’ve come to realize my situation didn’t change, because it wasn’t God’s will for my life.
You see when you begin to pray for God’s will to be done in your life and truly mean it, you have to be prepared for when he begins to move. When you ask God to open your eyes and heart to things in your life that are holding you back, from his desires for your life, you have to be prepared for his response. Often times God’s response or desires do not match our human desires. His plan may take you out of your comfort zone, it may break your heart, and it may turn your life upside down for a little while. That's because our flesh doesn’t always understand why God takes something away; but, please know with certainty that his will, his timing, and his way, will turn out for GOOD.
Do I understand my current circumstances? Absolutely not. Am I still heartbroken? 100%. Do I still have moments of weakness? YES! Do I know the big picture yet? Not even close. Do I often find myself wondering “what if” or I wish I had my “normal” life back? More times than I’d like to admit. My marriage may not have turned out the way I wanted, believed, and hoped for, but God still blessed me with the best gift: a sweet babe that is already so loved. My baby is my reason, my blessing in the storm and my saving Grace.
Even with all the uncertainties and the anxiety it gives me to not have control right now through this difficult valley, I have FAITH. I know: “His Will. His Way. My Faith” Jeremiah 29:11 will get me through.
In the darkest valleys we must remember, some things break our hearts, but fix our vision. When we wonder why God is allowing our hearts to break, know his heart is breaking for us too. He is only trying to fix our vision, bring us good, and closer to his purpose for our life. Ultimately, he is trying to save our souls.
We all want to live on the mountaintop, but God intends for us to live in the valley. Our mountaintop experiences are beautiful and intimate, but they are moments. The valley is our everyday life where we grow in faith and our relationship with the Lord is strengthened.
Hang on sweet friend, keep your head up, and whatever you do don’t lose your faith. God is moving and your current circumstance WILL NOT define you it will IMPROVE you.
XOXO – Tanisha
Dear God,
I pray for the woman or man reading this that is drowning in their current situation. God I pray that you give them the strength to keep standing. Lord remind their loved ones that just because they are carrying it well on the outside doesn’t mean that it isn’t heavy on the inside. God give them the strength to reach out for help from others. Lord, I don’t pray that you will change their circumstance rather I pray that you use their circumstance for your glory and to bring good to their life. God when the time is right give them peace that only you can. Lord I pray for faith and willingness for myself to continue to surrender to your will and way for my life. Even through this storm, you continue to bless me and for that I’m forever grateful.
Amen
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." - Isaiah 43:2
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