Tears streamed down my face and fear filled my mind. The thought of an epidural had been the only thing that scared me about delivery my entire pregnancy. My momma stood at my bedside and my nurse held my face trying to reassure me. I remember the anesthesiologist trying to explain exactly what he was going to be doing as he prepped my back. My nurse quickly cut him off letting him know that my fear of needles was extreme and we just needed to do the procedure without the narrative. She held my shoulders as I hunched over, I could feel myself tightening in anticipation. Each time he touched my back, I would jerk. My nurse held me tighter and he continued to repeat “You can’t move, try to hold still.” Obviously, I knew I needed to hold still so his words were frustrating.
I tried to focus my eyes on my Mom and I wrapped my arms around my nurse’s arms. My heart was racing, but I could do this. He gave me the lidocaine shot, it hurt. It hurt bad. I wanted it to be over already. As he went to place the epidural, I expected not to feel a thing, but I could. I jumped causing him to miss the spot he needed to hit. My breathing was heavier and tears still ran down my face. I closed my eyes and told myself there was no way I’d move again. He finally was able to place the epidural and I could feel the ice cold liquid running through my spine. It was 3:15 P.M. and I had gotten what I now call my “laboring happy juice.”
I was calm and at peace. Mom looked at me and said, “T look at those contractions on the monitor. Can you feel them at all?” My response was, “Bring them on!” I couldn’t feel them at all and it was the best relief. I was exhausted and so ready to meet my baby girl. At around 4 P.M., they came in to check me and I was 7 ½ cm dilated. I was comfortable and the nurses began moving me into some very interesting positions to help baby girl descend more. I was flipped and flopped into several different positions every 30 to 40 minutes.
At 6:50 P.M., I was feeling a lot of pressure and asked to be checked. I was now at 8 ½ cm and the nurses were so proud of my progress. I was heartbroken that it was shift change and the nurses that had helped me labor all day wouldn’t be their for Akiah’s arrival. I felt discouraged that I was going to have to get comfortable with a whole new team.
My new nurse came in around 7:15 to introduce herself and check on me. I was freezing at this point, but my body was on fire. She took my temperature and I was running a low grade fever. I noticed her watching baby’s heartrate monitor a little more closely than they had all day, but I didn’t think much of it either. She told me my contractions were a little sporadic and not in a pattern, but said that my day nurse had reported this happened on and off all day. At 8:23 P.M. they came back into my room to check me, I was at 9 cm. They moved me to what they called “princess position.”
I remember thinking princess position is perfect, to bring my little princess into the world. This would be my final position before pushing. I felt strong, brave, excited and confident. I was so close and ready for baby’s grand entrance. Then things took a turn…
At 8:45 P.M. my labor shakes had returned. Although I couldn’t feel my contractions (thanks to the epidural), I was shaking all over to the point my teeth were chattering. I told my Mom to ask everyone to pray hard, because I needed the baby out soon. I could feel my body wearing out, but mentally still felt strong.
At 9:15 the on call doctor, a doctor I had never met before, came into my room with both my
nurses. (Cue phase 3 of not part of my birthing plan: the on call doctor was the one doctor I had said I didn’t want to deliver my baby from the beginning.) He set on the edge of my bed to check me, it felt like the longest exam I had been given, and he mumbled to himself the whole time. He ever so calmly stands and removes his gloves. Cue phase 4 of not part of my birthing plan. These phases were coming way too quickly now.
The words that came out of his mouth made time stop for me. He said, “Well this isn’t going to happen.” My mind was racing, what does that even mean. He went on to say, “You need to have a c-section, you aren’t going to be able to have a vaginal birth. Your birthing canal is too narrow. You’re at a 9 almost a 9 ½, I could let you progress, but then it will be an emergency and right now it’s not.” I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t even directly look at him. I was choking back tears and panic. I looked to my mom for reassurance, she tried, but I could see she was nervous too. This was definitely not my birthing plan and never even an option I considered. The team left my room to give me a minute to think it over.
I don’t think they were even out of the door, before I burst into a loud sob. I remember saying, “Mommy this isn’t what I wanted. No, not a surgery.” Mom quickly messaged family to pray and asked advice from a trusted friend. The nurse returned with paperwork in hand. I wasn’t signing anything until she fully explained the reasoning and procedure. My mom asked the questions for me.
The nurse took her time in explaining the procedure and even told us what the doctor hadn’t mentioned. There were variables in the baby’s heartrate. Her head was pushing onto her umbilical cord. With the narrow birthing canal and location of the umbilical cord it made continuing to try a vaginal birth a true risk. She explained that it wasn’t an emergency right now, so we could do everything calmly and without urgency. I locked eyes with my Mom, she nodded, and squeezed my hand. With tears still running down my face and hands shaking, I signed my papers.
At 9:41 P.M. I was prepped in my room and my mom had changed into “surgery” attire. We took a quick selfie as the anesthesiologist came in to begin the numbing procedure. I was trying to be at peace with this outcome, but I was struggling. As he inserted the medication through my already placed epidural, I felt the sensation of cool liquid in my spine again. Within a minute, I felt light headed and the nurse shouted out we have to move now. My blood pressure had dropped low very fast. He didn’t move, I locked eyes with my mom briefly who was staring at the monitors. My nurse shouted once more in a demanding tone, “I have baby heart tones in the 40s we have to go now.” They jerked cords from machines and we were flying down the hallway. My c-section had just become an emergency.
I couldn’t focus, I didn’t feel good, and I had so many questions. I heard the nurse say: “Shelia you have to stay here and wait.” Then I was in the OR. Everyone was talking loudly, orders were being shouted, equipment being counted, and STATS being called out. I heard, “We have 3 minutes.” No one was talking to me, except the anesthesiologist his voice is what I focused in on blocking everything else out. The only prayer I could get to come out was, “Jesus Please.”
(Jesus please so many things in that moment, extra thankful he knows what we need before we say a word!)
After what felt like a million years, the Dr made my incision and they let my mom come in. Baby girl and I were both stable. I couldn’t feel pain, but I felt every tug, pull, and push. I kept repeating, “Mommy I don’t feel good.” I felt like I was going to puke. The anesthesiologist talked to me in the most calming voice the entire time, he kept saying “Hang on momma, you are doing great. You want to see her.” At 10:05 P.M., with tears in her eyes, my Mom said, “T she’s here and she’s beautiful.” But I didn’t hear crying. I asked, “Is she okay?” No more did it come out of my mouth, I heard the faintest but most perfect little cry.
I felt weak, sick to my stomach, and exhausted. I just wanted to close my eyes, but my baby girl was here. I still couldn’t focus, but I tried with all my might to keep my eyes open. I could see my mom in the corner of the room cutting Akiah’s umbilical cord. Then she carried her to my side., laying her by my head. I was finally eye to eye with my perfect baby. I tilted my head enough to kiss her on the forehead.
The next thing I knew they were taking my sweet Akiah and mom out of the OR and to the nursery. There I was trembling, sick, and in the middle of a surgery left all alone. My baby was just whisked away, I was missing her first sponge bath, her getting measured, and holding her. My heart hurt. They gave me medicine to relax me while the finished up my surgery. I was in a light sleep, but still aware of everything happening. It felt like I was in there for hours. When I heard the Dr. ask for an instrument count, I knew they were almost finished.
I remember them wheeling my bed past the nursery, my momma was holding Akiah in the window for me to see. They sounded the birth bells as I looked at her through the window. I just wanted her in my arms, but I was also so grateful my Momma was with her. The nurses brought her to my room immediately. Finally at 11:23 P.M. (over an hour after she was born), I was holding my little 7lb 11 oz princess on my chest. There we laid skin to skin for the first time our eyes locked and I knew I had never felt a love like this before. This was absolutely the best moment of my life and one I will never forget.
My birth story isn’t the story I thought I would share. It wasn’t my plan, actually far from it. It was honestly a traumatic experience. I’ve never been so scared in my life. The moment I heard her heartrate was in the 40s, my heart dropped and everything after was a whirlwind. I struggled with the fact that I had to have a c-section, but I now realize birth is birth. My sweet Akiah Grace made a grand entrance and arrived in the way she was meant to enter this world. She is perfect and our birth story is perfectly ours.
"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my hear; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds." - Psalms 9:1
With Love,
T
Dear God,
Thank you for your blessings and never failing love. Jesus thank you for hearing my Jesus Please and knowing what I needed. Thank you for hand picking the team in my OR. God thank you for giving the anesthesiologist the words and knowledge to calm my panic attack. Thank you for guiding the doctors and nurses throughout my delivery process. Thank you for keeping me and my baby girl safe. You knew just what my heart needed when you picked me to be Akiah’s mommy. You work all things even when they don’t go my way to your good. I pray you use my story to help other mommas. Lord you are always looking out for us, you are an awesome God.
Amen
Sidenote: The doctor I didn’t want, turned out to be amazing, I was listening to others opinions of him. Many of the nurses told me that given my situation, he was the best choice to do my c-section. God knew who I needed!
Comments