I lost myself in my marriage. I came to the point that I didn’t know who I was without him. My identity was him.
My identity was lost, so I began to feel out of control and overwhelmed. My already anxious self was more anxious than ever. It was crippling at times. I didn’t recognize the source at the time though. I was in love, I wanted him, and I wanted to stay; but I also didn’t feel stable.
I was living a fear based, hand wringing, full of worry life. Due to our history and his past, I began to micro-mange everything. As much as I wanted to fully trust, a part of me was always racing to be one step ahead. I was always playing “what if’s” in my head and it was exhausting.
By worrying, fearing, and planning ahead I felt in control. But the truth...I still had zero control over his actions, his feelings, and his responses to situations. My behavior was mentally draining myself and continuing to bury my identity further down.
I realize now that I was so busy caring for him and worrying about him that I forgot about self-care. I forgot to prioritize myself. I relied on him to be my source of happiness and satisfaction and I found myself empty. I found myself anxious, disappointed, depressed, and on edge.
I felt this heavy responsibility that the relationships survival was on my shoulders. Which turns out it was? The moment I decided I wasn’t fighting for it alone anymore and I wanted him to fight with me, ultimately fight for us. Well that’s the moment it fell apart.
That gut wrenching, rip my heart out moment that I realized this is actually the end. We aren’t coming back from this. That moment and those feelings will always be with me. The days and weeks to follow were HARD! I was broken.
But it gets BETTER!
I’m slowly through diving into God’s word, prayer, journaling, and my support system finding myself again. I am healing. I am finding peace. I am going to be just fine.
I will never discredit the love I had for him. I will never discredit the moments and memories we shared. I will always say when it was good, it was great. I won’t share the nitty gritty details of the bad times. I will never regret our relationship or our marriage. It was from God and the ending is part of God’s plan.
I will say that I am going to come out of this experience a better version of myself, a stronger version, and a more determined version. I am coming out knowing what I want, knowing what I don’t want, and knowing what I deserve. But best of all I am coming out closer to God. I realize my identity is forever wrote by Jesus Christ.
To the woman that’s lost herself in her current relationship, you still have time to find yourself. You are worthy of having your own identity. Let your voice be heard. Prioritize yourself. You are strong and you have purpose. I’m here for you reach out.
With Love,
T
Dear God,
Thank you for closing doors that need to be closed in our lives. Thank you for always opening a new door with a bigger purpose when you close necessary doors. Lord you never fail. God thank you for giving my life a purpose and powerful plan, even if I don’t fully know it all yet. Continue to give me a mind, eyes, and heart to follow after your plan. I pray for the woman reading this that feels like she’s lost in her relationship, help her to resurface. God give her the strength to see her identity in your eyes. You are the all miracle worker and author of our lives. I praise and thank you for always having blessings in the storms of life.
Amen
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